| 1. Coming Out to Yourself |
| 2. Coming
Out 'Confidentially' |
| 3. Coming
Out to Others |
| 4. Testing the Waters |
| 5. Coming Out to Friends |
| 6. Coming Out to Family |
| Coming Out to Yourself |
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Coming out to yourself means realizing and accepting that you're primarily attracted to people the same
sex as yourself. This 'realization' is the first stage of coming out.
Accepting that you are gay or lesbian can take longer.
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With time, we realize that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of
accepting them. There is no 'rule of thumb' to say when this point is
reached. For some people it happens as teenagers, for others it may happen
much later on in life. But how do you get from recognition to acceptance? It
helps to talk to someone. But who? And what do you say? You might want to talk
to someone who understands what this is like.
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| Coming Out 'Confidentially' |
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You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a lesbian and
gay helpline or switchboard. All these helplines are staffed by volunteers familiar with the types of
issues surrounding coming out. Your call will be handled with complete
confidentiality. There are also many gay, lesbian and coming out sites on the
World Wide Web.
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| Coming Out to Others |
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Sometimes people come out if someone asks them directly if they're gay or
lesbian. Others make a point of pulling people aside and saying, "There's something I
have to tell you." If you choose the latter option, ask yourself: "Who's
the most open-minded and caring person I know? And who's the least likely to
be shocked, threatened or put off?" Many people describe how important it
was to first tell someone outside the family.
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Whoever it is, make sure
it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive.
The goal is not to tell for the sake of telling, but not to hide. Tell that
person you have questions about your sexual orientation, or you're trying to
come to terms with your sexual orientation, and you'd like to talk. Say you've
come to them because you trust them. The more people you can
find and be honest with, the better you'll feel.
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| Testing the Water |
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You can get a
sense of how accepting your friends and family are by the things they say, or
don't say, when the subject of homosexuality comes up in conversation. You
might try to bring it up yourself by talking about gay issues in the news, or
currently popular TV programs which feature gay or lesbian characters - or the debates over equal rights in
partnership and the workplace for lesbians and gay men. If your friends' or your family's reactions are
positive, chances are they'll be more accepting of you. But keep in mind that
it's easier for most people to accept gay men and lesbians in the abstract;
it's a bit different when it's 'my son' or 'my daughter'
or even 'my best friend'.
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| Coming Out to Friends |
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When you're
ready to come out to your friends, you may be lucky enough to have some gay or
lesbian friends to help you. But heterosexual friends can also be good
supporters. Choose carefully as you reveal this fundamental part of
yourself. Many gay people find that the friends they thought would be most supportive
were the first to drop them, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered
the strongest support. Along the way, you might lose a few people whom you
thought were friends. But you'll learn many valuable lessons about what the
word friendship means.
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| Coming Out to Family |
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Sometimes
brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to
understand more about being gay or bisexual than older generations. Make sure you understand
why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your
family is to become closer to them. If you have decided to tell your family it
may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them
for help to approach the other. There are a number of typical responses that
parents, particularly, are known to give: "How can you be sure?, I went through a phase like this at your age,"
"You'll grow
out of it, you haven't tried hard enough with the opposite
sex," "How can you know at your age?" - and so on.
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Acknowledging your sexuality as not being
heterosexual can be a difficult time whatever your age. Our Helplines are there
for you to discuss any issues you might have about being gay, lesbian or
bisexual; and of course about 'coming out'. You can find your local
Helpline by searching the database or by viewing the list on the LGBT
Helplines page.
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